…in no particular order:
1. The assumption that all women in BDSM are submissive, all men are dominant, and everyone is both straight and cisgender.
2. The assumption that kinky people haven’t examined their desires.
3. …and that non-kinky people have a better idea about where those desires come from and what they mean than kinky people do.
4. The assumption that BDSM is synonymous with (or the gateway to) partner abuse.
5. The suggestion that kinky fantasies are linked to past trauma, especially rape or molestation, and that kinky folks are in need of therapy.
6. The outrageous assertion that non-kinky people have it worse, because in our sex-positive culture (uh, since when?) they’re considered boring prudes.
7. Comments from “recovered masochists” who tell horror stories about some seriously fucked up relationship they had, extrapolating from their experience to speak for all people who have ever played with BDSM.
8. The bizarre notion that BDSM always involves rape play, degradation / humiliation play, anal sex, and/or a man ejaculating on a woman’s face/body.
9. The assumption that women in BDSM were introduced to it by a (male) partner who either forced or coerced them into one of the above activities.
10. The assumption that kinky women who are not ashamed of being kinky think their desires are liberating and somehow inherently more feminist/powerful than those of non-kinky women.
I have to say however that a
I have to say however that a few of these ring true to me. My ex introduced me to the lifestyle, coerced me into doing things, blamed me for not sticking to my boundaries (I did, and he "forgot") and was seriously in need of therapy and still is, and used to joke about degrading me. His porn was mostly bullying/degradation scenarios to boot.
Not all kinky people are positive, and neither are all straight people. Everybody from every walk of life will have a negative story to tell from multiple contexts. The broad brushstrokes are indeed wrong from any perspective however, not just some of the feminist blogs.
I'm just saying that it's an equilibrium, and these things go in and out of flux.
Great list!
Completely agree with this, well said. Numbers 2, 5 and 9 particularly irk me! These sorts of comments are usually accompanied by a 'holier than thou' attitude too, which just screams ignorance.
Tabitha http://tabithalong.wordpress.com